In all my years in the world of early childhood education, the most common problem I see parents experiencing is self-doubt. The root of this self-doubt, nine times out of ten, comes from parents comparing their children to others.
Humans naturally compare themselves to those around them. We want to feel normal, be validated, and perhaps gain some self-confidence. This is why I know that when parents compare their child to another child, it’s less about the kid and more about themselves. They are looking for reassurance that they are doing it right. But what happens when a parent compares their healthy, happy child to a child of the same age who happens to be slightly more advanced in a particular way?
"His cousin was already -blanking- at this age."
“She doesn't -blank- like the other kids on the playground."
"My child is more -blank- than his friends."
STOP! While these could be valid concerns (which I will touch on), most of those -blanks- are things that are pretty much out of a parent's control. No two children are the same. They each have different temperaments, likes and dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses. And most importantly, they develop in their own time, hitting milestones at the rate their body allows. Sometimes that rate is a little slower than that of another child. In that situation, it is easy to panic and ask, "What should I be doing differently to get them -blanking- like so-and-so's kid?" The answer is... probably nothing.
You can nurture development, but you can't force it.
A former director of mine would always ask parents, "What's the big hurry?" She made a point to keep parents real about their expectations. When a dad told her he wanted his four-year-old to start reading, my director asked, "Why?" When a mom was upset because her two-year-old wasn't playing one-on-one with the other children, my director asked, "Why?" Any time a parent wanted their child to do something beyond their developmental ability, she asked "Why?" and the answer always involved comparison to another child. But isn't that the worst reason to want your kid to do something?
If your friend climbed Mount Everest, would you force yourself to? No, because you cannot do it. So why would you force your child to do something another child has done, that is physically or mentally impossible for your child? It makes no sense.
A common example of this is potty training. Controlling bodily functions is both a physical and cognitive developmental milestone, not just a matter of will, and rushing children can only make the process take longer. Yet, I see parents forcing oblivious toddlers, usually boys, into underwear too early just because other children they know are out of diapers. If your child has never expressed any interest in sitting on the toilet, he or she probably isn't ready to climb Mount Everest.
In my opinion, comparison is the best way to make yourself feel like a bad parent. All you’re doing is questioning your ability to control the uncontrollable. And that's the big secret; even the “best” parent in the world cannot control development. In fact, an amazing parent is one who knows their child and supports that child’s growth without judgment. It’s about trusting your instincts, trusting nature, and educating yourself about development in healthy ways.
Learn how to encourage growth without demanding it happen on your time table.
Now, I acknowledge that occasional comparison is unavoidable. And if you have compared your child to others and noticed he or she is slightly "behind," here is my advice:
Patience. Give your child time and they will surprise you. Don't jump to conclusions just because a certain milestone hasn't been hit right on time.
Exposure. Children naturally imitate their peers, so exposing them to walkers, talkers, potty users, and cooperative players might spark both interest and necessity.
Feedback. Talk to your pediatrician about your concerns. Ask your child's teacher if they have noticed what you've observed. Get a second, professional opinion, if only for peace of mind.
There are general time frames in which children should hit certain milestones; if they don't, the situation may require intervention. If you aren't familiar, or you are concerned your child may have a delay, consult the CDC's Developmental Milestones and talk to your pediatrician. Do NOT self-diagnose by comparison; you could be missing the real issue. And again, a great parent is one who supports a child's growth no matter what, so a diagnosis is just the first step in getting your kid on the right developmental track. Good job.
Whether or not your child does need extra support, another amazing reason to stop comparing your young child to others is to set a life-long example. As children enter grade school, comparisons begin to dominate every facet of their lives; they are broken up into reading groups, they compete in gym class, they show off their toys, and they begin to notice disparities that weren't clear to them before. Comparing themselves to others is, sadly, how older children make sense of the world and determine their self-worth. Parents should counter this early on by not looking at their child through a lens of comparison but of individuality, and teaching them to both love themselves and embrace others.
Ultimately, your child will have his or her own, unique developmental journey, and it is your job to support them in whatever way you can. Comparing their journey to that of another child will only bring you confusion, self-doubt, and anxiety, so don't do it. With your love and guidance, they'll get where they need to be when they need to be there.
No, your child is not normal; your child is spectacular. So are you.
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