We've all been there. You need your child to put on their coat, to clean up their toys, to stop running through the house, and are met with a defiant, "NO!" Sometimes there is no logic to their defiance, but there are ways to curb this behavior, and it begins with these steps...
1. Anticipate, Don't Instigate
Before you request something of your child, think about what their response will likely be. If you anticipate a negative reaction, avoid a blow-up by using warnings ahead of time (ten, five, and two minutes before) to ease the transition. "In ten minutes we're putting our coats on... Five more minutes... Two more minutes and then you get your coat on, okay?"
2. Be Polite, Don't Demand
Any time you demand a child do something, especially in a tense or frustrating situation, you are far more likely to get a defiant response. Try using your pleases and thank yous. "Please clean up the toys" lands much more softly, and teaches your child to use their manners even with family members. You can say "Thank you" before they even begin a task to imply you expect it to get done. If your child is often rude to you, think about how polite you are to them. Treat them how you want to be treated; with respect.
3. Assess, Don't React
You asked nicely but got defiance in response. Before you get into an argument with your child, assess the situation. Are they hungry? Are they tired? What is this really about? Maybe they have a reason for saying "no." Ask them why they don't want to; you might get a logical answer or at least something you can work with.
4. Explain, Don't Bribe
In situations like this, it is easy to turn to bribery. We've all said something along the lines of, "Look, if you get your coat on, I’ll give you a sticker.” The problem with this method is that children learn that they should only follow directions when there is something in it for them. Instead of giving them an unrelated incentive, try explaining WHY you need them to complete the task (even if it's a white lie). "I need you to put your coat on because it is cold outside and I don't want you to get sick. If you get sick, you won't be able to play with your friends."
5. Shut It Down, Don't Negotiate
If you have asked nicely, explained why, and the child still will not cooperate, it is time to shut the situation down. Continuing to plead or come up with incentives gives them power. It's time to remind them that you are the adult and you are in charge. This requires less talking and more doing. Physically move the child away from their toys, stuff them into their coat, turn off the TV; do the thing you asked of them without saying a word. Then, if you can, walk away. When the child stops getting a response to their negative behavior, they will seek out another way to get attention, perhaps by following your instructions.
6. Stay Strong, Don't Cave
If you do lay out a consequence, it HAS to be followed through on, so make sure it's realistic. If you tell a child they can't watch a show until they clean up, that means no show. And make sure every other adult involved is on board; your partner, grandma, fun Uncle Dave... No show until the child has cleaned up. The end. Caving and giving in to their puppy dog eyes, as cute as they may be, sends the message that you are never going to follow through. Think about how that will play out in their teenage years... Yikes.
The more you use these steps, the more your child will begin to think through their responses to your requests. First, they will understand that you wouldn't ask if you didn't have a reason. If they have a reason to say no, they will express it calmly and unprompted. Finally, they will anticipate consequences and weigh the pros and cons of saying "no." This will not be easy, and it will not happen overnight, but eventually, you will see a difference.
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